


the more i'm wanted, the less i'm home

by allstars



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Feels, Anxiety Attacks, Bucky Barnes After Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Panic Attacks, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Hurt Bucky Barnes, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-23 05:30:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21314971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allstars/pseuds/allstars
Summary: The Asset wants to scream.Instead, he cries in the darkness.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 12
Kudos: 42





	1. need

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to write something like this for a long time, so i tried this new writing style. that's pretty much it.
> 
> oh, and the title of this work comes from a "the neighbourhood" song.

The Asset lays the Soldier down. He turns to leave but stops with the soft sound of the Soldier's voice.

"Why do you always have to leave?" 

"You're not safe with me," he simply replies. Not enough.

"I need you. Can't—" A sigh. "Can't lose you again."

The Asset says nothing, takes a few steps and gets to the door.

"Please," the soldier begs. He's too weak to even talk. The Asset shakes his head no.

"One day," is all he says. He steps out the door, too afraid of crying in front of the Soldier. He doesn't know why.

As soon as he leaves, he hears a sob coming from the bedroom.

_Mission __accomplished_. He finally let's himself cry.


	2. steady

The Asset comes back weeks later. He comes at night and watches the Soldier sleep.

"_No... No!_" The Soldier cries. "Please don't leave." Tears fall from his eyes. He's having a bad dream. The Asset knows it because he has bad dreams everyday.

The Asset crawls into the Soldier's bed, trying not to wake the man. Deep down he knows the Soldier prefers to sleep with someone's by his side. The Asset is not sure how he knows it.

He feels the Soldier calm down. Steady breath. Good. The Soldier reaches to touch the asset.

"Bucky," he breaths out, somehow. Still sleeping.

The name feels familiar. The Asset likes the sound of it, sweet in the soldiers mouth.

"Steve." The asset doesn't know why he says this name.

The soldier smiles and the bad dreams don't come back, not that night.

The Soldier wakes up alone, with a familiar smell in the bed. He cries.


	3. control

The Asset looks at the mirror.

"Bucky," he tries out. "Bucky..."

His hands are shaking. _Command: control, breath_,his brain tells him. He tries to obey. The command doesn't work this time.

He left the Soldier alone. He didn't want to, but he needed to.

He punches the wall next to the mirror, leaving a small crack on it.

He fells numb. Doesn't hurt, not the hand. His head, yes, and his chest. His lungs. He feels like he's drowning.

The Asset looks up again, sees his lips are shaking too. A tear falls down. Another. He can't breath.

_Breath_.

Doesn't work.

He hates himself because it doesn't work.

_Useless_.

"Don't cry, Bucky," he orders to the man in the mirror. Somehow, it feels right.

He finally breathes.


	4. a word

The Soldier finally finds the Asset's home, but he's not living there anymore.

In the small bed, he left a notebook. It was left open in a page, where just one word reads.

"_Bucky_", written all over it.


	5. nameless

The asset wishes every day that was his name, because he doesn't have one.

He cries until he sleeps and dreams with the blue eyed Soldier calling for one Bucky. In the dream, feels like the Soldier is calling for him.


	6. a memory

The Asset sits down. Tries to remember. Fails.

He tries again and again. Thinks about the Soldier, how he didn't want the Asset to leave. He left because he wanted to protect the soldier. He doesn't know why.

The Asset lays down to sleep. _Can't lose you again_, says a small voice in his head. A memory.

His head hurts. He remembers the fight. The Soldier. _Steve_.

His brain is functioning now, it didn't restarted like it used to, taking away everything. He remembers the day before, the weeks before. It hurts. He let's himself remember anyway.

"_Your name is James... Buchanan... Barnes_."

It hurts it hurts it hurts.

It hurts and he lays the soldier down in his thoughts. The Soldier—Steve doesn't want the Asset—James to leave.

He leaves.


	7. empty

The Asset wants to scream.

Instead, he cries in the darkness.


	8. fallen comrade

He's not the Asset anymore. He has a name, a full name, a nickname too, he learns. He had a life before all the fight. A life that had Steve, the Soldier.

James looks at the notebook in front of him — the one he came back to pick up in his old house when Steve wasn't there waiting anymore. There's a thousand notes now, notes about himself, about the Soldier (Captain? He has so many names, James thinks). He reads one again and again, trying to remember.

** _A Fallen Comrade_ **

** _James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes_ **

_When_ _ _ Bucky Barnes first met Steve Rogers on the playgrounds of Brooklyn, little did he know that he was forging a bond that would take him to the battlefields of Europe and beyond._ _ _Born in 1917, Barnes grew up the oldest child of four. An excellent athlete who also excelled in the classroom, Barnes enlisted in the Army shortly after the attack on Pearl Harbor. After winter training at Camp McCoy, Wisconsin, Barnes and the rest of the 107th shipped out to the Italian front. Captured by Hydra troops later that fall, Barnes endured long periods of isolation, depravation and torture. But his will was strong. In an ironic twist of fate, his prison camp was liberated by none other than his childhood friend, Steve Rogers, now Captain America.Reunited, Barnes and Rogers led Captain America’s newly formed unit, The Howling Commandos. Barnes’ marksmanship was invaluable as Rogers and his team destroyed Hydra bases and disrupted Nazi troop movements throughout the European Theater._

_Bucky Barnes_  
_1917–1944_

James looks at the dates and shakes his head. He needs to find Steve and ask why he's dead.


	9. sunshine

Steve cries when Bucky shows up in his house — Bucky feels like crying too, but he still don't remember. He wants to. That's why he came.

Steve has sunshine in his blue eyes and he asks for a hug (_Please, Buck_) but Bucky says no. His brain remembers a thing or another but his body isn't trustable, doesn't react well at any touch. Bucky calls it _fight mode_. Steve nods with sad eyes and says he understands.

It doesn't feels like he does.


	10. forty-four

Steve is talking and he doesn't stop, there's endless stories about Bucky, he cries telling every single one of them.

Bucky listen to them all, never saying a word, he tries and tries to remember. He suddenly asks Steve in a small voice, like he doesn't wanted to hear the answer: _"What happened in 1944?"_

Steve looks away, but Bucky sees his sad eyes. He looks back at Bucky a few seconds later, stands up and touches his left shoulder.

His metal hand starts to shake.

Steve tells him about everything. This time, Bucky cries. _This_, of all things, he remembers.

He wishes he didn't. So he let's Steve hugs him. His body doesn't fight.


	11. stay

"You said 'one day'," Steve whispers.

Bucky looks at him confused.

"I asked you to stay and you said 'one day'. Will you stay today, Bucky?" Steve asks, and Bucky feels like he can't breath.

"It's safe. I promise." He hears Steve saying. He breaths again because he believes in Steve.

"I'll stay," Bucky says.

Steve smiles so bright that Bucky thinks about staying for more than a day.

And he does.


End file.
